Funny Quotes

Posted by Vebra on April 08, 2012

Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be surprised at how little you have.
- Ernest Haskins

Most new books are forgotten within a year especially by those who borrow them.
- Evan Esar

I am so clever that sometimes i don't understand a single word of what i am saying.
- Oscar Wilde

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- n/a

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.
- Groucho Marx

The enemy of society is middle class and the enemy of life is middle age.
- Orson Welles

An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have the older she gets the more interested he is in her.
- Agatha Christie

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set I go into the other room and read a book.
- Groucho Marx

Most people ignore most poetry because most poetry ignores most people.
- Adrian Mitchell

There's a difference between a philosophy and a bumper sticker.
- Charles M. Schulz

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
- Orson Welles

Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough.
- Larry David

I hate women because they always know where things are.
- James Thurber

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
- Paula Poundstone

The best way to turn a woman's head is to tell her she has a beautiful profile.
- Sacha Guitry

The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against wacking them around a little.
- Joe Martin

You have to master not only the art of listening to your head, you must also master listening to your heart and listening to your gut.
- Carly Fiorina

Ten soldiers wisely led will beat a hundred without a head.
- Euripides

An empty head is not really empty; it is stuffed with rubbish. Hence the difficulty of forcing anything into an empty head.
- Eric Hoffer

Early to rise and early to bed makes a male healthy and wealthy and dead.
- James Thurber

I'm aiming by the time I'm fifty to stop being an adolescent.
- Wendy Cope

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
- Rita Rudner

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- Alan Dundes

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
- Mel Brooks

People always ask me, "Were you funny as a child?" Well, no, i was an accountant.
- Ellen DeGeneres

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
- Steve Martin

The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.
- Ronnie Barker

I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.
- James Brown

I've got a very poor sense of direction. I keep forgetting which way is forwards.
- Geoffrey Parfitt

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
- Robert A. Heinlein

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said "Are you going to help?" I said, "No, six should be enough."
- Les Dawson

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
- Fred Allen

Great men are rarely isolated mountain peaks. They are the summits of ranges.
- n/a

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.
- Charles M. Schulz

A man's respect for law and order exists in precise relationship to the size of his paycheck.
- Adam Clayton Jr. Powell

If worry were an effective weight-loss program women would be invisible.
- Nancy Drew

Every time I paint a portrait I lose a friend.
- John Singer Sargent

The only difference between a madman and myself is that I am not mad.
- Salvidor Dali

He who laughs last is generally the last to get the joke.
- Terry Cohen

I envy people who drink. At least they have something to blame everything on.
- Oscar Levant

You can build a throne with bayonets, but you can't sit on it for long.
- Boris Nikolayevich Yeltsin

Sorry, i can't give comment on this page. My uncle's cousin's sister in law's best friend's insurance agent's roommate's pet goldfish died. Maybe next time.

InspirationalQuotes.Asia Updated: April 08, 2012