Guys who have big muscles and a nice car are usually trying to make up for a lost feature.
Poetry is like making a joke. If you get one word wrong at the end of a joke, you've lost the whole thing.
- W. S. Merwin
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
It is good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about.
A kindergarten teacher is someone who loves children and hates zippers.
Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes.
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
A baby is an angel whose wings decrease as his legs increase.
There comes a time in every friendship when you have to say: I never liked you in the first place.
Tolerance is a great trait to contain, but so is the ability to shut up.
Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.
If you think something small can't make a difference, try going to sleep with a mosquito in the room.
Everyone has the ability of making someone happy, some by entering the room, others by leaving it.
A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.
Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
A bargain is something you cannot use at a price you cannot resist.
Anyone who drives faster than you is a maniac and anyone who drives slower than you is an idiot.
Women are like cell phones. They like to be held and talked to, but push the wrong button, and you'll be disconnected.
Don't get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Bad luck is bending over to pick up a four-leaf clover and being infected by poison ivy.
A character in a comedy should not know they're in a comedy.
After looking at the bill for my operation, I understand why the doctors wear masks in the operating room.
Remember the good old days when a juvenile delinquent was a boy who played the saxophone too loud?
When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you don't know and correct their behavior.
Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.
You've heard your profession slammed by someone who would never dream of doing your job.
My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.
The law of heredity is that all undesirable traits come from the other parent.
Nothing in the world is friendlier than a wet dog.
A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead.
- Bill McGlashen
If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they're going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?
- Jerry Seinfeld
By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.
- Robert Frost
People often say that motivation doesn't last neither does bathing. That's why we recommend it daily.
- Zig Ziglar
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
- Oscar Wilde
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
- Will Rogers
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
- George Jessel
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
- Oprah Winfrey
I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
- Robin Williams
To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
I realize that humor isn't for everyone. It's only for people who want to have fun, enjoy life, and feel alive.
- Anne Wilson Schaef
When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.
- Nick Arnette
Quitting smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I've done it dozens of times.
One time a windshield wiper will work properly is when it's holding a parking ticket.
You know you're in love when you take the longer way to class even if it means going up two extra stair cases just to see his face.